For the Mom Who Thinks She’s a Jerk

As a Mom, I’m a jerk.  It’s true.  I do horrible things.  

Here are just some examples of how I’m a jerk:

• I teach my children to do chores.  Together.
• I tell them to spend time outside – playing.
• I buy them bikes, skateboards, running shoes so that they exercise.
• I make them share.  Bedrooms, bathroom, clothes, books, etc…
• No devices are allowed at the dinner table and we eat together.  I force them to engage with the family at the same time.
• I ask them their opinions.  Yes, I make them think.
• I lead by example.  I actually try to act nice to people – even people I don’t know!!
• We have board games.  Because I want them to play together and with us.
• I teach them about having a budget.  Sometimes that means I say no.  Sometimes it means we have to plan to spend money.  Sometimes that means they have to earn things or pay for them on their own.
• I put blocks on their cell phones.  I give them a limited amount of data.  Their phone doesn’t work if it’s not on wireless.  Nothing works for a minimum of 8 hours at night because I want them to sleep well.
• I have conversations about things that are uncomfortable.  Bullying, sex, drugs, alcohol, curfew, responsibility, grades, future planning, money, etc…  I want them to learn that even tough conversations are good conversations.
• They have grown up giving.  Foster kids in our home, volunteering, giving of themselves, donating the belongings they no longer use.
• I teach them consequences.  We don’t always have to follow the rules, or do what we’re asked, but there are repercussions in life.  Pulling weeds and extra dog poop duty are consequences.
• I teach them to live with less stuff and more experiences.  That connecting with people is important.  Building memories and relationships are things that will last.
• Grades are important.  School work comes first.  Learning is power.  And the highest GPA gets $100.
• I try to show them how to solve their problems by talking it out, being kind, compromising.
• If I don’t have a reason to say no (like to a sleepover) but I don’t have a reason to say yes, I ask them to convince me.  This teaches them how to make decisions based on a reason to do or not to do something.
• I have tried to tell them daily that I love them, they are the best decision I’ve made in life and I am proud to be their Mom.  Yes, I embarrass them.
• I made my kids eat healthy most of the time on top of exercising and to take turns cooking dinner.  Yes, I exposed them to the oven, measuring spoons and following directions.

Being a jerk all the time is exhausting! All that being-an-example-and-enforcing-the-rules crap.  The whining, feet dragging, “Mom, why do you make us do these horrible things” attitude, the stomping and slamming of doors.  The complaints like, “The other moms aren’t jerks to their kids!  They don’t make them do any of this stuff!!” are tough to deal with but I’ve been a jerk Mom for over 23 years.  They are no match for me at this point.

I don’t have answers on raising kids.  I haven’t cornered the market on great parenting.  I make mistakes every single day and I question myself regularly.  There is no license to becoming a parent, no manual, no 8 ball or magic wand.  Every child comes wired with their own unique personality and challenges.

What I knew is that I wanted my kids to learn certain things from me.  How to be a good person in a variety of ways, how to make decisions, how to communicate even when it’s difficult, being wrong or having a bad day is part of being human, how to be selfless and compassionate, that people are more important than things and experiences are priceless.  What they do with what I’ve taught them is up to them.

The biggest thing I hope they know is that I am full of my own faults, I love them and they are worth it.